I was really close friends with this girl named Pauline. We went to the same church together. So I only saw her twice a week. She was practically my best friend. But like previous incidents, I got too close to her. I got so close to her that I started developing these weird feelings for her. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on. I also didn’t know I was gay.
The year I started having these feelings for her was the worst year of my life. She found out about these feelings and it caused awkwardness between us. She started trying to avoid me. Stopped talking to me. She even stopped being near me like I had some disease. Imagine that. Someone you really care and love treats you like that. It feels horrible. The way she treated lead me to cut myself for the first time.
At the time, I didn’t have my best friend, who already came out of the closet, because we got into a big fight and stopped talking for a year. I had no support from anyone. I was alone to face my own problems.
By accident, my mom found out that I had these feelings for Pauline. It was the worst day of my life and I will never forget it. She didn’t talk to me for 3 days and my pastor had to come to my house and talk to me about these feelings I’m having.
Being alone, having no support from my family or friends, and dealing with the way Pauline treated me put me in a dark abyss. I thought I’d never crawled out of this mess. I thought the worst about myself.
Our friendship was broken and fragile by this time and I blamed myself for it. I blamed myself for everything. We stopped being close and started fighting frequently. We started to drift apart. I could tell. But I still loved her.
The following year was my senior year of high school. Near the start of it, we got into a fight that lasted longer than any fight we had before. We didn’t talk. We didn’t associated with each other in any way. We had a silence. It made church very awkward for me. What made church worst was when she got a boyfriend and started bringing him to church.
Every time I saw them together, it shattered my heart. I couldn’t stand the sight of them together. Of a guy being with her instead of me. Jealousy? Call it what you want. It was the most painful thing to see. Watching someone you love, love someone else. And because of her showing off her boyfriend (probably to rub it in my face) and the awkwardness I was feeling, I started drifting away from church.
By the time I started drifting away, it was the start of the second semester at my school. A few of my close friends at the time already knew about my feelings for Pauline and already accepted me for who I am. But I still felt alone in all this. Even though by this time, my best friend and I made up.
I was still in love with Pauline. I started to believe that I was gonna end up loving her forever. That I was gonna be in this dark hole forever. But that all changed when I saw her.
Everyday at lunch, my friends and I would sit at these tables that were by the school stage. And right behind/infront of us was this table full of sophomore kids. To me, they were all a bunch of young, dumb underclassman (thoughts from a senior). But one girl. One particular girl stood out to me. And the reason why is because she looked like Pauline.
Of course, this girl is a stranger to me. I don’t talk to her. I don’t know anything about her. I don’t even know her name. So everyday I would look at her (in a total none creepy way). To try to understand who she is and why does she remind me of Pauline. As days go by, I grew anxious to know her name. By hard work, dedication and purely dumb luck I found her on Facebook. Her name is Serina.
As weeks gone by, I started liking Serina more and more solely on appearance because I knew nothing about this girl. I then started to notice that I was getting over Pauline. I couldn’t believe it at the time. I was in love with Pauline. She was all I thought about. All I talked about. I wanted her more than anything in the world. And this stranger that I never even met was helping me get over her.
Pauline and I eventually made up. But by then I was over her and into someone else. The love I had for Pauline grew into hate. And till this day, I still hate her. We are currently no longer friends.
As for Serina, fast forward to the present. I don’t want to get into detail with what happened with her but let’s just say that I creeped her out and she hates me. But she remains a sweetheart about everything and my stupid decisions.
But I will say this. Serina did in fact saved me. I was dealing with depression, self harm and anxiety when I was having those feelings for Pauline. I blamed myself for everything that happened between us. When she got a boyfriend, I was destroyed. I couldn’t stand to see them together. I tried convincing myself the relationship wouldn’t last. But it was just lies I fed myself. I was a ticking time bomb. I didn’t know what I was capable of. For all I knew, I could of broke down and started cutting again. Or attempted suicide.
Serina took all that away. She made me feel better about myself. And eventually, I learned to accept myself for who I am. I know it’s beyond stupid and ridiculous that some stranger has this kind of effect on my life but that’s just how it is.
Knowing her, she wouldn’t waste her time on something a creep like me wrote. But it doesn’t matter. I guess the morale of this story is, with Pauline it does get better. I strongly believed that it would never get better for me. It was truly the worst moments of my life so far. 3-4 years later, i’m doing so much better. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am & I have supporting friends and family. As for Serina, what I learned with her is that when it comes to love or relationships, it’s very bad to let your feelings get in the way of your thinking. Because you end up doing stupid, regrettable mistakes. Like I did with her. Do I regret it? Kinda. We make mistakes, it’s what makes us human. All we can do is learn from those mistakes and move forward.
Stay strong, darling. It gets better. I promise <3