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I want to punch myself in the face

I’ve been pushed around, used, neglected and abused my whole life. It’s happen to me so much that it comes naturally to me. I’ve been hurt by my own family, closest friends and even by the girl I currently like. 

For the past few months, I have been emotionally dead. I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t care about my friends, the girl I like or even myself. I was belittling myself a whole lot and just didn’t care whether it hurt or not. 

Then a few weeks ago, the girl I like comes around and apologizes for shutting me out and hurting my feelings. Before I know it, she was being nice and talking to me more. This whole time, I’ve convinced myself that I did something to drive her away. That I creep’d her out or that I made her feel uncomfortable at one point. And I’ve grown to accept that.

I want to punch myself in the face because I’m having feelings for her again after shutting them out for the past few months. I’ve had some bad days these past few weeks and it made me realize that during those bad days, I would think of her and I would feel better. Just the thought of her would take away my anger, anxiety and irritation. I’ve been crying because I’m confused as shit and I don’t know what to do. I literally have no one to talk to about any of this and it just brings back horrible memories where I was alone to figure out my own feelings. Just thinking about any of this makes me want to cry.

I hate when bands break my heart

I always make people cry happy tears ahhhh

To anyone that has ever liked someone and saw them kiss or love someone else and then feeling your heart get ripped out and acting like nothings wrong YOU DESERVE A FUCKING AWARD.

I’m done.

I’m tired of still feeling hurt by you. I’m tired of getting sad over you. I’m tired of you treating me like I’m nothing after we briefly shared something at one point. You lead me on and then abandoned me for someone who treats you like shit. It’s fucking obvious that I and probably everybody else treats you way better and you still can’t get that fact through your head. 

I’m so tired of writing you dumb letters that you’ll never read. I’m tired of hurting and suffering here while you remain completely oblivious to everything. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

You ass. I’m done.

It’s common that I’m torn up about a girl I really like. It’s rare that it makes me happy because it usually doesn’t last very long.

Oh gawd, I’m dying.
I’m emotionally dying right now.

As the pain is slowly disappearing, I am suddenly remembering the feeling of my heart dropping in my chest the day you broke it. I suddenly remember the pictures of you in the arms of someone else that is burned into my retina. 

I am suddenly broken again.