My dad recently brought to my attention that I’ve been abused by all my friends in the past few years. Mostly emotionally & mentally.
Hm.. I dunno how i should feel about this
Interesting fact about me that nobody knows: my uncle was close friends with Marcos (former dictator of the philippines).
Yeah..
I saw my uncle today and I went to give him a hug and he pushed me away
WHAT THE FUCK
So my brother told me this story of what happened recently to this guy we both know. He has been friends with this cute girl for awhile. And recently, a day before her birthday he took her all over the place. He took her to the pier, got her ice cream, went to park and he even gave her his jacket when it got cold. Sounds like a date right? So at the end of the night, she asked him where to put his jacket and he told her to put it in the trunk of his car. When she opened it all these balloons came out and it was tied to her favorite cookies and a cake. She was all excited and happy about it. She even instagram’d it. So a few days later he finally asked her out and she literally said, “Ooo, sorry. I see you as a little brother.” BIGGEST FRIENDZONE OR WHAT.
I had a dream last night that I came home from going somewhere and when I walked through the door i saw my aunt and uncle chatting it up with my parents
& my asshole of a cousin was sitting in the kitchen playing with his phone
What’s weird is that the whole time, I was caring around a pipe trying to clean it and I had a stash in my room
Weird…
To whom it may concern:
My name is Natasha. Those that know me in real life know that I’m a very shy, kind loving person. I can be a good friend to those who need it. But most people don’t see past the shyness of my self being and see who I really am. Who that is, I’m still trying to figure out still.
But what I do know is that I’m broken. Like other people, I try to hide that I am. Fake a smile. Tell people I’m ok when I’m really not.
What I really an is tired. Tired if hoping for a better tomorrow. Hoping for a greater future. Hoping the pain stops. Hoping that I’m not really insane.
All my life, I’ve been trying really hard to fit in somewhere. But i never do. With my friends, with my family. Nowhere. Wherever I am, I am alone. I get so lonely sometimes that I talk to the voice in my head like it’s an actual person in front of me.
No one wants me around. I do something wrong and everyone attacks me. I am weak. Too weak for this world. Too weak for this lifetime. I’ve become distant with everybody. So me disappearing forever wouldn’t bring anyone pain. It wouldn’t upset anyone. It’s be like I was never there. Who’s to say that I’ve made if not any impact on someones life. Let alone bring happiness to it.
Death is a promise. A happy ending promise.
Every time my dad cooks dinner & while i’m getting a plate my brother or my mom asks me, “Are you spiking today?” (Eating dirty)
I asked my brother why he asked and apparently nobody sees me eat. And when I do eat it’s when my dad cooks dinner.
Whaaaa.
- Me: I really want to go to a A Day To Remember concert but I don't have money, a ride and friends
- Dad: -Laughs- Why not take Jaymee?
- Me: She's not into the music that I'm into
- Dad: Oh, that crap music
- Me: WHAT CRAP MUSIC?!?!?!?!
I brother ordered 2 old lens on eBay the other day it and it arrived today
and one of them was a Beck lens and he was admiring it so he pretended to have sex with it in front of me twice.
the second time I told him, “And you wonder why i’m gay.”
Let’s get personal here.
For anyone who cares, i had some sort of mental breakdown last night. I try to be my strongest, i really do. I try to be this special person that understands everybody’s pain simply because i’ve experienced it myself. Heartbreak, anxiety, depression, suicidal, rejection, self harm, outcast, neglected, loneliness etc. And I try my hardest to fight on like everybody else. I try to help others with their problems because I know what it feels like to be alone. I try to be that person anyone can go to, to talk about anything.
But last night was just a breaking point for me. All my life i’ve had to put up with abuse. Whether it’s physical or emotional, I had to deal with it. Along with the fear.
Lately, it’s gotten really bad where recently it was my own fault that cause the “volcano to rupture”. I was left to deal with the mess and all fingers point at me for the blame. I was used for a scapegoat for what the real problems are. At that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. During my “mental breakdown”, I unplugged my computer and moved it, wrote in big red letters “You are pathetic. Everybody hates you.” on my desk with a sharpie, wrote on my hands “Kill yourself” & “I wasn’t suppose to be born”. You could probably say I wanted to die.
I was alone and just wrote in my journal everything I was feeling at the moment. The feel of the blade on my skin was on my mind. I wanted to grab my ‘special’ knife and just start cutting deep. But I didn’t. I don’t know why. I just didn’t. I managed to calm down thanks to the power of music but this mood I was in carried on the next day. I got yelled at today because of how i was behaving. In the end, i still feel shitty but not as much like last night.
It’s just so hard to ignore the abuse I have to deal with. The abuse my family has to deal with. All because of one person. My families life revolves around this one person. My life has been so fucked up because of this one person. My families financial struggles is all their fault. The real question here is, how much abuse can one take before they just simply can’t take it anymore?
