Let’s get personal here.
For anyone who cares, i had some sort of mental breakdown last night. I try to be my strongest, i really do. I try to be this special person that understands everybody’s pain simply because i’ve experienced it myself. Heartbreak, anxiety, depression, suicidal, rejection, self harm, outcast, neglected, loneliness etc. And I try my hardest to fight on like everybody else. I try to help others with their problems because I know what it feels like to be alone. I try to be that person anyone can go to, to talk about anything.
But last night was just a breaking point for me. All my life i’ve had to put up with abuse. Whether it’s physical or emotional, I had to deal with it. Along with the fear.
Lately, it’s gotten really bad where recently it was my own fault that cause the “volcano to rupture”. I was left to deal with the mess and all fingers point at me for the blame. I was used for a scapegoat for what the real problems are. At that moment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. During my “mental breakdown”, I unplugged my computer and moved it, wrote in big red letters “You are pathetic. Everybody hates you.” on my desk with a sharpie, wrote on my hands “Kill yourself” & “I wasn’t suppose to be born”. You could probably say I wanted to die.
I was alone and just wrote in my journal everything I was feeling at the moment. The feel of the blade on my skin was on my mind. I wanted to grab my ‘special’ knife and just start cutting deep. But I didn’t. I don’t know why. I just didn’t. I managed to calm down thanks to the power of music but this mood I was in carried on the next day. I got yelled at today because of how i was behaving. In the end, i still feel shitty but not as much like last night.
It’s just so hard to ignore the abuse I have to deal with. The abuse my family has to deal with. All because of one person. My families life revolves around this one person. My life has been so fucked up because of this one person. My families financial struggles is all their fault. The real question here is, how much abuse can one take before they just simply can’t take it anymore?